I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
