If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
