The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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