i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
