Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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