My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize