I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
