I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
