I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
