what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize