party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
