Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
