I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize