apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Found your dick twin last night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
