Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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