not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
