We need to rekindle our bromance
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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