I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
