So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
