Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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