hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
