You're my little dorito
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
