So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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