Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize