Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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