You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize