The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
