Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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