I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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