just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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