Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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