the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
