i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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