I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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