Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i now understand why vodka
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize