I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
