I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We got so high we made milksteak
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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