i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
