It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
