Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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