I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
