There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
