i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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