apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
