I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
