but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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