Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
