i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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