I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
