Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
