i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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