I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
