so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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