matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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