best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
