My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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