I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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