I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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