please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
